As the sun sets on the '07 NFL season, a time to reflect.
Alas, the facts are that my opinions mean squadoosh and if you, the people are to believe I have any shred of credibility I must first serve to you my journalistic integrity on a platter. So, I give you without further ado, a speech I uncovered from a source so trustworthy that not even Robert Novack/Scooter Libby can force it out of me.
Here it is, the exact replica of a stump speech given by Roger Goodell himself, as he runs for re-election for Commissioner of the National Football League.
(applause) Thank you, thank you. You are all too kind. Thank you for braving the elements of another tough NFL season and joining me out here today. I am truly humbled by all of your support. I'm here because I care, people. I'm here for the future. (applause) I care about you, the fans, about you, the networks and advertisers, and most importantly about you, the owners. Thank you for all your support. Really, I can't thank you enough. As we look toward the future, I think it is important that we examine the past, for as we all know, there are blueprints of the future in the present, and footprints of the present were laid in the past. (applause)
Yes, it was this innate circular logic that allowed me to make the decision that ultimately allowed a team to go undefeated in the regular season. Yes, it was my historical and unprecedented penalty that allowed the Patriots to reel off sixteen straight just to spite me. You're welcome Mr. Belichick.
Yes, it was me who allowed all of you to the great fortune of watching the Patriots achieve their perfect season on television, giving you the right to watch what normally is a glorified pre-season game in the last week of the season, just ask Mr. Dungy. You are welcome for that, Mr. Gumbel. It was me who heard your cries of foul, America, me who heard you demand the right to watch a sporting event for free and avoid becoming the once-proud sport of boxing. Yes, you are welcome. (applause)
Yes, it was me who didn't allow the suspensions of various pro-bowl players for abusing performance-enhancing drugs to lead the local papers, but instead, allow, no, insist that it be back-burner news with only a four-game suspension. And, in addition, I might add, allow these players to be eligible and win post-season awards. You are welcome, Mr. Merriman. (applause)
I led with an iron fist some may say, but in no other season may I remind you that more off-the-field indiscretions were met with firm suspensions and firm reactions. My critics may say that in no other season did off-the-field indiscretions occur, but alas, what am I to do, it is my bosses who pay these players inordinate salaries, I ask you, what I am I to do? Stabilize the salary cap? We might as well balance the federal budget as well. (Laughter and applause)
So just look at 2007 will you? Look at 2007 and ask, is this a year where we had a star Quarterback and Pro-Bowl cornerback both lie to my face and put in jail, a year where we had a team accused of cheating lie to all of your faces, and then break every offensive record known to man, yet, a year that garnered record setting ratings and made more money than ever, a bad year? (Resounding No.)
Then when you go to the ballots this year, people, make the right choice. Tell your friends. Make the only choice. We don't want change. We want egos, we want stars, we want scandal, oh, and yes, we do want sport. This is why you, the NFL, is so addicting. You always deliver on what you promise. Real men, real sport, real scandal, real honesty, real money. You always deliver. Well, unless its a Super Bowl game, but who really watches that anyway.
Thank you, and good night all and God Bless everyone but Prince and Janet Jackson!
